This blog is mainly about the governance and future of policing and crime services. (Police & Crime Commissioners feature quite a lot.) But there are also posts about the wider justice system. And because I am town councillor and political activist, local & national issues are covered a little, as well.

Monday, October 8, 2012

Secret diary of a PCC (day two)

My new car and driver arrived today. I know some people told me I should not have done this, austerity and all that. But pish-posh, austerity is for the plebs not for me! And anyhow, I ordered it some while ago before the election, there was no going back. Je ne regrette rien an all that. This PCC’s not for turning (except in a rather nifty Mercedes), hah! And if the Chief Constable has some huge limo, you won’t see me riding around in a Vauxhall Corsa. No chance.

Of course, I will need to brief the driver to ensure he is has the utmost discretion. By this I mean making sure I have something on him so that he won’t dare go to the press about anything he might hear… I will get my people onto his case.

Meanwhile I need to start assembling my crack team for the Office of PCC. I will be glad to see the back of the old police authority chief executive. She has been paid off well with a button-up tight clause written in. She won’t be telling any stories about what happened before I became PCC. I have seen to that! This is now year zero and everything will be better from now onwards. I will make sure the data shows this.

Of course I do have a couple of tricky problems to sort out. It seems as if I promised too many people they could be my deputy. I did this in good faith of course, I knew then I would able to pick only one of them, but I needed their support. If they chose not to realise that, well, tough. But now I have to think about who do I need to annoy the least.

There is Cllr Pamela Stone, tough cookie, knows rather too much about policing strategy & crime prevention for my own comfort, she could show me up a bit. On the other hand, do I really want her being a thorn on the Police & Crime Panel? The old Q – is it best doing the proverbial of keeping your friends close and your enemies closer…? Not sure. But there again there is my old pal and political mate Winger Harrison, the sort of man you need next to you in a sandstorm when you've just lost your last scarf. He did fine job as Agent but he knows didley squat about the police. There again, that could be an advantage. And then there is Gloria Macbeth, the indefatigable Gloria, who puts a bounce in my step. Tough one because she knows too darn much about policing, and too damn much about me. But I am really not sure of her loyalty. Plus she has a criminal record, although as a Deputy the ‘imprisonable offence’ thing doesn't count*.

It’s tricky… Ah heck, I will plump for Winger. I know he will be loyal to the end. I will just get him to mug up on policing stuff, send him out on a few raids, read a couple of books. He will soon be up to speed, he’s not called Winger for nothing! As for the other two, I will offer them some consultancy… should keep them happy.

So let me see, what next? Car, tick, chain of office, tick, deputy, tick. I guess I ought to start sorting out the next most critical thing… my office and the size my desk. Must remember to make sure the visitor’s chair is about three inches below mine. Learnt that trick from a Personnel manager years back: make people look up to you when they come for a meeting. Works every time.

And I will get Winger to start having a bash at the policing plan.

Day one diary here
Memo from the Chief Constable welcoming new PCC


* I have been advised by Sam Chapman that in fact Deputies do have to pass the same tests as the PCC. Well spotted Sam! I will keep this in an part poetic licence and part to act as a warning that all PCC candidates need to read the Act - in detail! 
(All characters are totally fictional by the way, similarities to people living or nearly dead are entirely coincidental)

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