Me: Harry, my old sport, how the dashed are you?
Harry: Fine old chum. What you up to these days?
Me: I'm still running the police.
Harry: Still running from the police?! You're not that Basil chap are you? Got all those jewels stuffed inside your teapot?
Me: No. I am still running the police. You know, you helped me deliver some leaflets a few years ago. I'm the Police & Crime Commissioner.
Harry: The what?
Me: Single-handedly I am responsible for administering the governance of the Police Service here in North Ford West Shire.
Harry: Sounds very grand. Do you get expenses with that? And have you got one of those detachable blue lights to stick to the top of your car when you need to get home a bit quicker...? You say I helped you deliver leaflets... hmm... I thought that was for a council position. All lost in a bit of blur, I am afraid. So you won then?!
Harry: So is that it? Are you this police thingamajig for good now? You know like that chap Scargill: President of the Police for life?
Me: No. There are elections in May. I am trying to decide whether to stand again...
Harry: You want more leaflets delivered?
Me: I don't think so. I am probably not going to stand again...
Harry: Why not. Are the expenses no good? Didn't you have a chauffeur?
Me: Gordon is my coach who happens to drive me places. He's a wonder. But no, that's not the reason..
Harry: Well what is the reason then?
Me: I am not sure I can take the starlight of celebrity much longer, the being mobbed in the streets by people desperately wanting to talk to me about policing strategy, the flash photography outside the Home Office, the paparazzi at my home...
Me: I am being sarcastic Harry. I don't think most people even know I exist...
Harry: I know you exist, old bean. Don't talk like that. I am sure what you do makes a real difference. Now I must go and get myself one of those cheese and chutney sandwiches: they look rather tasty if a little bit tricky to handle...
- Collected diary - days one to ten
- Day 50
- Day 68
- Appointing the new Chief Constable
- PCCs must show people its worth voting (interview with the secret PCC)
- Fields of ponies: the Secret PCC does Income Generation!
- By the pricking of my thumbs, something radical this way comes!
- Too big for their pixie boots: the Secret PCC makes a speech to his Police & Crime Panel
- Witchcraft: the Secret PCC & managing awkward Chiefs
- Social media policy (Secret Diary of a PCC)
- The magic of Brasso (Secret diary of a PCC)
- The 'not giving a floating duck' problem (Secret Diary of a PCC)
- Secret PCC: A LibDem MP considers applying for Direct Entry
- Chief Constable Zero: the Secret PCC gets tough
- The Art of Listening to the Public (the Secret PCC explains all)
- Secret PCC: my life long quest for the smooth vinegar flavoured cucumber
- The Glossary: The Secret PCC is relieved
- Sepia policing: the Secret PCC hankers for the wild west
- Plebian correctness gone mad: the Secret PCC develops new ethical guidelines
- The Secret PCC: should I stand again?
Legal disclaimer: just in case you thought this series of secret PCC blogs is based upon a real person or persons: it isn't. It really isn't. Any similarity to a living PCC is entirely coincidental.