What is truth? (Secret diary of a PCC: day eight)

The great thing about being a PCC candidate was that I could make a whole series of promises which nobody could really challenge. Yes there were a few bearded academics who tried to get on Newsnight to complain and ACPO did its usual huffing and puffing but all the local papers were just lapping it up. The hustings were even better because there was no dialogue, just a series of questions to which we as candidates all gave our long replies, There was no comeback.

Well there was one mad cyclist woman who wore her helmet through out the meeting and kept asking me what I was going to f'ing do about cycle lanes and vans and even f'ing Bradley Wiggins getting knocked off his bike etc etc... So I just promised her that I would prioritise cycle safety. That seemed to shut her up and maybe she even voted for me. Of course, I am going to do diddley squat about cycle safety because a) it is not in my power and b) I am not that bothered if a few cyclists graze their knees - this isn't Brighton or Oxford.

Anyway, so here's a list of the promises I made during the campaign that I am now fully expecting to forget, at least until 3 years comes around...:

• There will be a bobby with rosy cheeks standing outside village shops every day of the week except Sundays when he will be seen sitting in the local Church. They will all be male, slightly overweight and have gravelly voices like Jack Warner.
• All drug pushers will be arrested and locked up for a very, very long time.
• People who make too much noise late at night will be made to listen to non-stop Edith Piaf for 3 days
• I will recruit 3000 more special constables because they will get a 50% reduction in the council tax and half price petrol vouchers
• People who commit murder will go to gaol for a very long time

It doesn't really matter that I can't do any of these things because I ran my campaign on a thematic basis - and the theme was policing of yesteryear. If I could have got all my meetings and canvassing done in the magic hour, with Claude Berri directing my promo vid, I would have done so. I knew what the public wanted to hear and so I told them.

The other candidates seemed to have a problem with truth. I merely said (and still say): with regard to PCCs and the truth... what is truth?

• Day one
• Day two
• Day three
• Day four
• Day five
• Day six
• Day seven
• Welcome memo from Chief