This blog is mainly about the governance and future of policing and crime services. (Police & Crime Commissioners feature quite a lot.) But there are also posts about the wider justice system. And because I am town councillor and political activist, local & national issues are covered a little, as well.

Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Fields of ponies: the Secret PCC does Income Generation!

Never one to be out done, I have decided I need to have an “Income Generation Strategy”. I see that one PCC is embarking on trying to get sponsorship to make up for a budget shortfall. Here in NorthFordWestshire (or NFW as we usually abbreviate it), we can go one better! We are not just a one trick pony. With my strategy we will have whole fields of ponies munching their way through our budget shortfall!

So, having tracked down this rather nifty article on how to structure such an approach – here is my plan:
  • Staff - Knowledge & Creativity: we will start making our own CSI series and sell it around the world. In fact I could play one of the lead roles in between my other tasks. Always been into AmDram a bit and I seem to have the time in between Police & Crime Panel meetings.
  • Staff - Staff time: police officers at courts will be empowered & equipped to sell ice creams like cinema ushers/usherettes to make money while they are waiting to go into the court.
  • Staff - As potential customers: all payslips will include adverts for personal protective equipment and late night pizzas: and we will take a cut on any sales made
  • Staff - Non work expertise: all staff will be required to register their skills on a large database so that we can ask them to use these skills whenever we have a need (such as mountain climbing or cupcake preparation or translating Icelandic etc)
  • Information - Patterns of performance & results: we will sell the most effective burglary methods to the highest bidder
  • Information - About individual clients / users etc.: we will sell crime data to estate agents rather than making it freely available on the net. And the Disclosure and Barring Service (DBS) will have to pay us for information in the future.
  • Physical Assets – Buildings: expect to see hoardings going up on the sides of all of our police stations and police cars. 
  • Physical Assets - General Equipment: we will be selling the boxes and boxes of smart phones (the ones that we never got round to using) off to local electrical shops and car boot sales.
  • Physical Assets - Specialist Equipment: All those Scenes of Crime onesies are only used once. I have a cunning plan to re-market them as fashion accessories: add a couple of strategically placed buttons, remove any stains, persuade my old private school chum who now works for Vogue and hey presto – we will have an income generation line of business that will rival Jean Paul Gautier!
  • Stakeholders - As potential customers: all those people we lock up on a Saturday night are clearly in need of better ways to spend their money than on cheap vodka and shoes. From now on, as they leave the cells and pick up their wallets & purses in the morning, they will be offered a free £10 gift voucher (sponsored by a local supermarket) to buy breakfast and fruit juice. We will take a cut of whatever else they spend there…
  • Stakeholders - As potential sponsors or supporters: we will be charging local legal aid solicitors for the privilege of a chair to sit down on. They will be able to stand for free, but if they want to sit down next to their clients, they will have to pay for it. Clearly the new legal aid changes are predicated on all these lawyers being fat cat leeches on the state. We will just tap them for a little more dosh.
  • Stakeholders - as potential partners: no longer will we stock information leaflets from (say) local health services or housing helplines without expecting something in return in cash or kind (we don’t mind which).
  • Profile - ‘Brand’ reputation: we will set up a department to secure fees to ‘approve’ the safety of local clubs and other late night venues. We won’t be offering ‘protection’ as such (they get that for ‘free’ on the local taxes) but we will be able to offer gold and platinum approval ratings for those clubs who want our response just that little bit quicker. 
  • Profile - Access to media and public: we have lots of lists of people who need our services who may well be interested in other services... we are looking into this once we can get over confidentiality and all that gubbins. We are talking to local Clinical Commissioning Groups who seem to have found ways around such concerns.
  • Systems and services – software: we have invested heavily in our new CRM (criminal relationship management) system. We think that it will work just as well as a means of keeping track of customers who don’t want to be tracked. This is potentially a very lucrative income stream.
  • Systems and services - expertise in how things are done: we are getting rather good at DNA testing and we will be marketing this to people who want to establish parentage etc.
  • Systems and services - ‘Piggy backing’ existing services: we are starting a new tie in with local car dealers to be put in touch with people who have had prangs on the public highway…
  • Waste someone else’s supply...? Of course in NorthFordWestshire, we don’t have any waste. We are a lean, mean, crime fighting machine!

The Secret PCC Diary until now:
Legal disclaimer: just in case you thought this series of secret PCC blogs is based upon a real person or persons: it isn't. It really isn't. Any similarity to a living PCC is entirely coincidental.

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