By the pricking of my thumbs, something radical this way comes! (Secret diary of a PCC)

Pish posh, this government is just not being radical enough! They are just being pusillanimous, pathetic and puny. If this country is really going to get a grip of the deficit, we need to find radical & dramatic ways to cuts costs and cut costs again. These damn civil servants seem to be incapable of thinking outside their tiny close box like minds. We have to think of big, bold and blooming bursting ideas to make a difference. I may not be in government, but I am in charge in my police service.

But if I were in charge of the government, I would start with outsourcing the judiciary. A more fat, complacent and whiney bunch of so called professionals would be hard to find. They swan about with an entourage of helpers and acolytes, take months to make decisions (probably in between several cases of sherry and Chateauneuf du Pape) and then stall attempts to introduce the 21st century into court proceedings for years! I say put them out to grass or make them G3SerCapito employees.

And then there is GCHQ. And they were meant to be such a tight organisation. Everything tied down by strap three. But then along comes some tech in a suit and blows the whole caper apart – and the NSA too. Well, we need to put GCHQ on a Payment by Results basis pretty damn quick. If they have been pilfering all this data, surely we can make some money out of it? They must know where all those Swiss and Cayman Island accounts are now? Indeed while we are about it, why not turn GCHQ into an internet service provider. It would, at least, cut out the middle man and everyone would know where they stood. If you upload or download something dodgy expect a knock on the door pretty soon. It might even be at 4.00am and not so much a knock as a crash.

And for heaven’s sake, the subsidised bars in Westminster should damn well close. I can’t get a subsidised drink there unless I toady up to one of my MPs. I don’t see why they should! And it would save the taxpayer loads of money and stop any more of them throwing punches at each other.

But turning to my bailiwick, there is clearly a need to get more of grip of policing costs. Here are some of the radical ideas I and my entourage are playing around with:

• Charge the costs of burglary investigations to home contents insurance policies
• Ditto accident investigation costs to car insurance policies
• Turn PCSOs into freelance ‘community safety agents’ and contract them. This way they will have to pay for their own uniforms and equipment
• Remove the rank of sergeant and make inspectors work for their money more (after all sergeants are often not much more than constables with stripes anyway)
• Stop doing anything outside our statutory responsibilities unless someone pays us for it be they a football club, carnival committee or person with lost cat
• Charge custody ‘visitors’ for their bed and board at motel prices

I am sure there are more ideas… so watch this space!

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The Secret PCC Diary until now:

• Collected diary - days one to ten
• Day 50
• Day 68
• Appointing the new Chief Constable
• PCCs must show people its worth voting (interview with the secret PCC)
• Fields of ponies: the Secret PCC does Income Generation!

Legal disclaimer: just in case you thought this series of secret PCC blogs is based upon a real person or persons: it isn't. It really isn't. Any similarity to a living PCC is entirely coincidental.