A Just Future: Fair for All: SecretPCC

Showing posts with label SecretPCC. Show all posts

Saturday, January 16, 2016

The party conversation that confirms it (Secret PCC)

Picture the scene: Saturday evening drinks at my wife's cousin's place. Slim glass of pop in hand, cheese & chutney sandwich in the other (again)...

Me: Harry, my old sport, how the dashed are you?

Harry: Fine old chum. What you up to these days?

Me: I'm still running the police.

Harry: Still running from the police?! You're not that Basil chap are you? Got all those jewels stuffed inside your teapot?

Me: No. I am still running the police. You know, you helped me deliver some leaflets a few years ago. I'm the Police & Crime Commissioner.

Harry: The what?

Me: Single-handedly I am responsible for administering the governance of the Police Service here in North Ford West Shire.

Harry: Sounds very grand. Do you get expenses with that? And have you got one of those detachable blue lights to stick to the top of your car when you need to get home a bit quicker...? You say I helped you deliver leaflets... hmm... I thought that was for a council position. All lost in a bit of blur, I am afraid. So you won then?!

Me: Yes.

Harry: So is that it? Are you this police thingamajig for good now? You know like that chap Scargill: President of the Police for life?

Me: No. There are elections in May. I am trying to decide whether to stand again...

Harry: You want more leaflets delivered?

Me: I don't think so. I am probably not going to stand again...

Harry: Why not. Are the expenses no good? Didn't you have a chauffeur?

Me: Gordon is my coach who happens to drive me places. He's a wonder. But no, that's not the reason..

Harry: Well what is the reason then?

Me: I am not sure I can take the starlight of celebrity much longer, the being mobbed in the streets by people desperately wanting to talk to me about policing strategy, the flash photography outside the Home Office, the paparazzi at my home...

Harry: Gosh!

Me: I am being sarcastic Harry. I don't think most people even know I exist...

Harry: I know you exist, old bean. Don't talk like that. I am sure what you do makes a real difference. Now I must go and get myself one of those cheese and chutney sandwiches: they look rather tasty if a little bit tricky to handle...

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The Secret PCC Diary until now:

Legal disclaimer: just in case you thought this series of secret PCC blogs is based upon a real person or persons: it isn't. It really isn't. Any similarity to a living PCC is entirely coincidental.

Friday, January 15, 2016

The Secret PCC: should I stand again?

Well, well, well.

It has been a long three and bit years. In a way, it has gone by as quickly as a South African innings. And here we are, in the run up to the May elections which frankly I thought I would not have to think about. But against predictions, the Tories won a majority and now I am stuck with having to make a decision on whether to stand again. So I thought I would do a balance sheet, working through all the pros and cons to help me decide...

On the plus side:

The power.

The power!

The unaccountable powerrrr! (I like to delude myself sometimes) I think I may have some smidgeon of influence over the colour of the cells in the new custody suite that I commissioned. I say I commissioned... but the plans were pretty already drawn up by the time I arrived.

But on the down side:

I have seen enough sandwich lunches to last me and my waistline a lifetime. I have become quite an expert in holding cheese and chunky chutney sandwiches and a glass of orange juice, without spilling the chutney down my suit. It's a rare skill but one I have now perfected. But do I want any more sandwiches... ever?

The bounciness of senior coppers has to be seen to be believed. Honestly, it is so bloomin' tiring. They are like chipmunks on speed. Always some new strategy for this. Partnership plan for that. Yet another power point presentation on some whizzo idea they picked up on their trip to the police department in Oklahoma. I could well have had enough...

Partnership meetings. Oh good grief. What can you say about them except that I might like to spend some of my retirement watching paint dry. It would be more entertaining. And interesting. I used to have partnership zeal: they were the future! But now I only have partnership weal: proto pressure sores from sitting too long in these tedious meetings, massaging the egos of different heads of this or that.

And then there's the Police and Crime Panel. I think I am going to do a PhD in nit nit picky picky pettiness: I now indeed, do have plenty of material. Try as I might to keep them focused on me (yes me!) they still insisted on trying to hold the Chief Constable to account. Even though I told them until I was blue in the face that was my job... they still wanted to scrutinise the decisions on the new siren sounds and colour of the cells in the new custody suite...

Hmm. I think I have made my decision... I will miss the team of course: my chief executive, my aromatherapist, my astrological adviser, my part time press adviser and Gordon, my trusted coach and chauffeur. What could I have done without him...!

So, now I have start making my plans for my last 100 days... what will I need to do?

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The Secret PCC Diary until now:

Legal disclaimer: just in case you thought this series of secret PCC blogs is based upon a real person or persons: it isn't. It really isn't. Any similarity to a living PCC is entirely coincidental.

Wednesday, December 24, 2014

My Christmas Message: the Secret PCC wishes his girls and boys in blue an innovative 2015

It's that time of year again: when we notch up another annual episode in our lives. I have been working exceptionally hard all this year on behalf of the people of North Ford West Shire, making sure they all feel safe and secure in their homes. I expect most of you have been working pretty darn hard too: delivering the kind of police service we all want to see.

It is just a pity that the Government wants to see a different kind of police service that none of the rest of us want to see!

We often talk about particular policies acting like 'recruitment sergeants' to dangerous causes. It seems to me that the scale of cuts arriving at the shores of our budgets are going to turn a lot of apolitical police officers and staff into becoming quite radical. The Home Secretary appears to be doing her damnedest at recruiting people to vote for anyone other than Cameron in May 2015 (or maybe that is the point!)

But of course we have to get on with getting on and protecting the public from crime and harm. So in the spirit of Christmas giving, I am telling you first about a bunch of whizzy ideas that my crack team of PCC elves & boffins have been cooking up over the last few months. All these will mean we can deliver policing where it matters with a lower cost! This is innovation in action!

I have heard that many officers are losing battery power in their mobile phones and tablet computers as a result of being out and about so much, communing with the community. (This may or may not have anything to do with the fact that we only have virtual police stations now.) So to address this problem, we will be introducing new police batons that will have a recharging battery built in. There will be a cleverly hidden USB port in which to plug various items of communication.

Internet crime is rising. We all know that. So we have managed to buy some new technology from the CIA (which they tested recently on a whole country) whereby the internet can be switched off in an area. I have no idea how this works but if we spot a rise in internet crime in a certain part of our patch, we will just turn the internet off for a while and make the criminals go somewhere else. Brilliant, eh!

There have been some concerns raised about our police station closure programme. Especially as this has meant fewer custody places being available. I will admit that the partnership strategy with the Royal Navy was not one of our best ideas: it seems people can get off boats a bit more easily than we expected. But we now have a new plan: virtual custody. People will now be held by a combination of specially adapted Google glasses and a Minecraft facsimile of Guantanamo which they will be put into. Their real life bodies will be sitting in a disused local warehouse, chained to a couple of fork lift trucks. I am assured that they won't be able to tunnel out of their virtual reality.

One of our biggest costs (aside from people) is producing plans & strategies. We commissioned a thorough independent piece of research into whether any of these documents make one jot of difference to levels of crime and fear of crime. The conclusion was stark: they are waste of everyone's time. So from the beginning of 2015 we are instituting a 'no plans' policy which in itself won't even be written down. So all those meetings where plans have been discussed in the past will no longer need to happen. This will save us many resources and mean that more people can be out on the front line delivering services to our local people.

All that it remains for me to do is to wish you all a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year! I am not sending out cards. Some chap called Jon Harvey has produced a video Christmas message on you tube which just about sums my sentiments too. You can watch it here.

See you in 2015!!

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The Secret PCC Diary until now:

Legal disclaimer: just in case you thought this series of secret PCC blogs is based upon a real person or persons: it isn't. It really isn't. Any similarity to a living PCC is entirely coincidental.

Thursday, November 27, 2014

Plebian correctness gone mad: the Secret PCC develops new ethical guidelines

Of course in my day, back at the old alma mater, you could pretty well call the boys in the nearby village anything you liked... but not to their faces of course. The annual school vs oiks cricket match (or "community engagement project to avoid VAT being added to our school fees" to give it its proper full title) was an exercise in restraint and good manners. If things got heated over a boundary call or an LBW, words like cad, bounder and "look chummy, that bat was inside the crease, I'll have you know" were used instead.

Just as we learnt how to treat our seniors and betters, we also learnt how to treat the non-commissioned ranks (as it were) too. Which is why, I have never quite understood all the hoo-hah about plebgate and what Mr Mitchell was meant to have said or not said. Anyway today, it would seem that he has lost because he lost it.

So I have been pondering (for all of 30 minutes) on the implications of all this to my police force and what ethical/behavioural rules we need to set down to avoid any such occurrence happening on my watch... So here they are.

All police officers and members of staff should:

Never refer to anyone as a pleb, plebian, prole, member of the great unwashed, pond life, oik or any other word that you would not use in the company of Dame Maggie Smith in Downton
Avoid refusing, in a provocative way, to open a gate for someone very important unless there are some very good (i.e. documented) reasons for doing so
Show bottomless humility and grace towards anyone a) riding a bike b) of a lower or upper class c) with a camera / recording equipment
Acquaint themselves with headlines & stories from the tabloid press and ITV2 'moments' as a guide to handling 'working people'
Be very wary about using the Daily Mail or Katie Hopkins as a guide to ethics in public service practice: the Telegraph is a much better starting place
Develop an innate sense of knowing when to give up, smell the coffee and walk away...

I will be consulting on these guidelines over the next few weeks...

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The Secret PCC Diary until now:

Legal disclaimer: just in case you thought this series of secret PCC blogs is based upon a real person or persons: it isn't. It really isn't. Any similarity to a living PCC is entirely coincidental.

Thursday, July 31, 2014

Sepia policing: the Secret PCC hankers for the wild west

Ah, dear diary, as I was rearranging the model police cars on my desk before my annual leave, I caught the beginning of an episode of Alias Smith & Jones that ITV4 are currently showing. (Normally, of course, the TV in my office is tuned to BBC24 for breaking news about the world of crime busting and criminal justice developments!)

So I treated myself to a nostalgic story of how Hannibal Heyes & Kid Curry sailed close to the line of the law again. This got me to wondering, if we couldn't use some of the justice and sheriffing methods used in these stories to modern day policing.

So here are some of the ideas I am thinking of:

Police officers should wear their batons low on their hips in holsters, and we should organise quick on the draw competitions.
When people get into fights on the street, we should only arrest those who started the fight
We need to form intelligence networks with bar room floozies who clearly will know all that there is to know about what is going on in a town
We should believe people's stories and leave the lawyers out of the debates
We need more judges and magistrates who have the Wisdom of Solomon and leave them to make decisions that often bend the law but are the right decisions
Outlaws should be able to earn their amnesty by staying out of trouble
We need to reinstate the police mounted division
Boots and gloves look mighty fine and cool so they should become a standard part of police uniform
Could we use posses more?

Anyway, I will mull on these ideas as I sip my hard whisky cocktails on holiday, in between poker games... But what do you think: what elements of the old wild west can we incorporate into tackling today's policing challenges?

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The Secret PCC Diary until now:

Legal disclaimer: just in case you thought this series of secret PCC blogs is based upon a real person or persons: it isn't. It really isn't. Any similarity to a living PCC is entirely coincidental.

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PS: This blog is dedicated to the memory of Pete Duel who tragically committed suicide at the end of the first series of Alias Smith & Jones. His suicide was the first one that ever really mattered to me as boy and I still grieve for him. He seemed such a bright & beautiful actor and I could not understand how he came to end his own life. I have learnt more about mental health since then. I now know that there is no real 'logic' to why people do kill themselves, but sadly people do when it makes sense to them. RIP Pete Duel.

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

The Glossary: The Secret PCC is relieved

I see that the HMIC have just published their analysis of policing in a cold climate. The report manages to be all things to all people: everyone, be they the Federation or the Home Secretary, will find something to gloat about / delight in. This makes it a rather clever report in my humble opinion. The HMIC doesn't sit on the fence quite so well as when a general election is looming and the tick-tock of pension count down alarms are ringing in their ears.

The report helpfully begins with a full glossary stretching over three volumes. Policing is darn complicated after all: I had never met so many TLAs before I got involved with the job. And the girls in boys in blue seem to enjoy wiling away whole afternoons coming up with the name of the new 'operation'. I am still yet to discover what Operation Obfuscate is all about, despite asking lots of times.

But seeing the glossary in the HMIC report gave me a warm nostalgic feeling as I remembered those first heady days after the election when everything held such glistening promise... The outgoing chief constable had prepared a handy list of words and their definitions that I still keep in the back of my wallet. I know his parting email to me was a little challenging, but his glossary was just the ticket! So I thought, I would reproduce a few of his choice definitions below for others to use.

ACPO: the people who think they are the real bosses (but are not)
Home Secretary: the person who thinks she is the real boss (but is not)
The APCC, Federation & Superintendents Association: the bodies who think they have influence (but don't)
Custody Sergeants & HR Departments everywhere: the people who really have the power
The force's drivers and taxi drivers we regularly use: the only people who really know what is happening
Crime in run down areas: what we are supposedly trying to stop (says the Home Secretary)
Anti social behaviour in nice leafy avenues: what we actually spend our time tackling
Meetings: a good way to appear busy (meetings about meetings are even better)
Partnership meetings: warm places to catch up on sleep
The former Police Authority: the source of all of our problems that we now face and which can be blamed with impunity for at least the next ten years
Home Office Targets: the various dart boards distributed around the constabulary with pictures of Home Office ministers on
Democratic mandate: what you must claim to have at every opportunity - the more you talk about it the more real it will seem to become

There was more, of course. I will try to dig out a few extra ones when I have a moment. Meanwhile, I have a partnership meeting to attend...

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The Secret PCC Diary until now:

Legal disclaimer: just in case you thought this series of secret PCC blogs is based upon a real person or persons: it isn't. It really isn't. Any similarity to a living PCC is entirely coincidental.

Sunday, July 6, 2014

Secret PCC: my life long quest for the smooth vinegar flavoured cucumber

It's no good dear diary, I am going to have to write this down: being a PCC is all becoming a bit of an desparate anti-climax. Oh... I had such high hopes when I got elected: the manifesto dreams, the new desk and chain, the power to sack and appoint a chief constable. Such heady, intoxicating days. But now it is all rather humdrum. Rather irritatingly, the police force seems to get on with getting on quite well without me. I went away for a two week holiday and expected to be contacted at least 2 or 3 times with some urgent matter. But not once. I returned to an inbox full of notifications of upcoming meetings with various dignitaries and officers, & a few emails written in purple ink. But nothing of any real importance. It was like they could all get on well without me.

Of course, I can always invent a meeting or two and people will come. There is still a bit of electoral glitter and pizzazz attached to my role. But I know it is all a bit of sham: I feel like the Wizard of Oz hiding behind a curtain. There really is nothing up my sleeve.

But of course I cannot tell anyone this. I must continue the charade. The show must go on. But I am finding it more and more difficult to pretend to myself. I fear I am becoming more and more like Lina Lamont in Singin' in the Rain and that's the chief constable in the background...

Of course I could cook up some expenses story to get myself in the papers, or invite a team of TV cameras into to watch me while I work.... But I know those would only be quick fixes. Nothing is going to dissipate this growing sense of ennui and pointlessness.

Thank the heavens, I have less than two years to go. I am counting the days, hours, minutes etc when I can step down and go back to growing cucumbers. I can return to my lifelong quest for the smooth vinegar flavoured cucumber.

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The Secret PCC Diary until now:

Legal disclaimer: just in case you thought this series of secret PCC blogs is based upon a real person or persons: it isn't. It really isn't. Any similarity to a living PCC is entirely coincidental.

Monday, June 16, 2014

The Art of Listening to the Public (the Secret PCC explains all)

Although I have my doubters: I am very much a government for the people, by the people sort of chap (unless, of course, the issue is a tad too complicated for the lumpen electorate - in which case I believe in benign autocracy. Hah! I am just joking of course. The autocracy doesn't always have to be benign...!).

And so in my public role as PCC, I see it as my responsibility to go out and listen to my publics. I want to hear about what worries them, what concerns them, what they want to complain about, and what hopes they have. That is my job: I am here to listen!

Of course, listening to the public isn't always that easy to do. Some of them smell a bit, some of them don't make sense, some insist upon asking me / telling me / shouting at me about things I can do nothing about such as dog waste and chewing gum. So this listening lark is not as simple as it might sometimes appear. I make it look effortless of course: one of the best investments I made was hiring an actor to help me wear an animated concerned and listening face whenever I need to. Which, if I am being honest, is quite a lot of the time.

I find the public remarkably tolerant & polite. Frankly I am astounded just how compliant they are. If my team ensures the public meetings are set up with rows of chairs spaced quite closely together, I can already begin the meeting to my advantage. We often turn the heating down a bit as well, so that people not only feel like cramped supplicants, but they feel like cold, cramped supplicants who keep their coats on. With imaginative use of air conditioning, I can even achieve this in the summer too.

And so, my public meetings when I am ostensibly there to listen to the public are mostly about them listening to me. They are usually too polite to interrupt and I can go one for ages talking meaningful baloney. It is brilliant! And, yes, I do get the odd person who has a "problem" and who feels driven to say it. But usually, I can shut them up with a "I will come on to that later on"...

Of course, not all of my courageous forays out of the office to meet people are done in formal public meetings. I have been known to visit a fete or supermarket or even just a street. Usually not many people recognise me (what was that TV programme which wanted to film me in action...?) but as soon as I introduce myself, they understand. Often of course they then walk off having more pressing things to do like buy the paper. But I can usually hang on to a couple of people long enough for my press officer to take a picture. The issues "on the street" are the same old, same old so I am left wondering why I bother. But bother I must of course! I would hate to have a reputation of never being seen like some of my PCC colleagues!
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The Secret PCC Diary until now:

Legal disclaimer: just in case you thought this series of secret PCC blogs is based upon a real person or persons: it isn't. It really isn't. Any similarity to a living PCC is entirely coincidental.

Saturday, April 26, 2014

Chief Constable Zero: the Secret PCC gets tough

After a very long and careful consideration of all the issues and consequences over a couple of macchiatos in Costa's last Saturday, I have decided to put the Chief Constable onto a zero hours contract.

He was not wild about the idea when I told him yesterday at our regular Friday afternoon chat but I told him my mind was made up. As the custodian of public money, I explained in straight forward language that I had no option: a zero hours contract would provide better value for money to the taxpayer. He went off grumbling about being a member of the Tax Payers Alliance too & finding out the location of the ANPR cameras near Douglas Carswell's house. But I have not heard from him since. He hasn't even been sanctimoniously live tweeting from his regular Saturday morning bike ride: trying to put the rest of us still in bed to shame. There has been only a single selfie tweet of him next to the Tolpuddle Martyrs memorial (or is that person part of the memorial?)

That was a long bike ride. He will be stiff in the morning! But I am not changing my mind. I mean, do you know that ACPO officers have a minimum holiday entitlement not a maximum one?! They swan off to meetings in London all the time, get invited to afternoon tea & cup cakes with the Bishop, read professional journals (cover to cover!) as if they need to still learn about how to be a police officer and parade around with their scrambled egg laden collars at councillor cocktail soirées.

Well, I have had enough of this and so have all the local tax payers. From now if he wants to "improoove his professional practice", or "networkkk with key stakeholders" or "influence Home Office strategyyy" (whatever that is when it's at home...), he can do it in his own bloomin' time. I am not paying for it any more. Zero hours (on a rolling 5 month contract to avoid any shenanigans that Red Ed wants to deploy) here we come.

From now on, all that I will contract him to do will be:

Disciplining and controlling his rather bonkers set of Deputy & Assistant Chief Constables
Pinning medals & commendations on police officers who actually go out onto the street to arrest the pond life that upset my ageing mother and her friends
Talking to the media and covering my back: making sure that everyone knows he is 110% behind my police & crime plan

And that is about it. Everything else he has been doing is just fluffy flim-flam that the hard working taxpayer should not be subsidising.

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The Secret PCC Diary until now:

Legal disclaimer: just in case you thought this series of secret PCC blogs is based upon a real person or persons: it isn't. It really isn't. Any similarity to a living PCC is entirely coincidental.

Tuesday, April 1, 2014

Secret PCC: A LibDem MP considers applying for Direct Entry

I chortled and guffawed this morning when the Chief Constable arrived at my door with news of some early applications for the Direct Entry Superintendent scheme. I thought he was playing a practical joke on me. But it appears he has had some inquiries from a couple of LibDem MPs on our patch. However the timing seems to be out for them as the application process is beginning now. (Unless they want to resign...)

It seems they have to go through a self assessment process first. I struggle to see how they managed to rate themselves so highly... But I guess we can all delude ourselves. Anyway, strictly between you and me, dear secret diary, here is one covering letter that we received...

Dear Chief Constable

I writing to you in the hope that I might submit myself for direct entry into your noble profession as I reckon I will probably be out of job come next May. I have looked through the job description for being a police superintendent, and I believe I have all the qualities, and more, required.

The website says that "policing can be physically, mentally and emotionally demanding". I am resilient sort of chap and trust me, spending hours in House of Commons' bars after listening to opposition spokespeople drone on and on about how poor some people are, and still being able to select and enter the correct lobby takes some doing. Especially when what you are voting for is something at odds with what you really believe in. But that's coalition politics for you. I imagine that sort of saying one thing but doing another is a skill required of top cops?

Of course I do not have any criminal convictions. Being an MP, the expenses oversights I have made around property matters and other sundry bits and pieces do not add up to any criminality at all. I have been required to pay back a few thousand here and there, but no criminal charges were ever considered. And absolutely no speeding tickets, for me or my wife. Ever!

As a proud European Brit, no problems with eligibility there. I have no facial piercings and the only tattoo I have: I agree with Nick in Elvish is inked in well below the bikini line, as it were. I assume that should present no problems to my public image?

My financial position is really rather good (see expenses above) and I really want the job as a police superintendent to carry on working hard for local communities. The pecuniary reward (it is £62,000 a year isn't it?) is not my main motivation. Naturally as an MP I have become adept at deflecting attempts to bribe me into voting this way or that. I imagine these skills will continue to be of use as a senior police officer. I should declare, I suppose, that I do plan on continuing as a modestly paid non executive member of a couple of think tanks and security services contractors. But I will resign these of course, if that is deemed to be a conflict of interest.

I have never been a member of any extreme right wing organisations such as the BNP or Combat 18. But of course I have taken an active part in politics over the last 25 years. But I would be prepared to give all that up, it's only been something of a hobby most of the time anyway. And we LibDemmers are nothing if not flexible, what!

My eyesight and general physical condition is still that of a young & lithe labrador, despite the many lunches that we MPs are forced to consume.

With regards to second half of the self selection questionnaire, I passed with flying colours! I am motivated and committed: you have to be as backbench LibDem MP in a Tory led coalition. My leadership skills are eminently transferable: I have been organising door to door inquiries for years!

I have been an active cog in the wheel of the machine of the complexity that is the coalition government in delivering all that we set out to deliver: a bolder, braver and more affluent country, ready for the second half of the 21st century! Our track record speaks for itself.

The questionnaire asked do I "have the skills, abilities and experience to autonomously lead large departments?" Absolutely! And I can do so without splitting infinitives as well. Being an MP is about working autonomously and as part of team simultaneously. In the LibDems, we are both a party and not a party, a well oiled electoral machine and a bunch of (quite odd in some cases, but not mine) individual spirits.

I live and breathe creativity, innovation and learning. Being a LibDem means being an independent thinker, not tied to corporate or union masters/mistresses. My middle name is ambiguity and so I can easily make high pressure decisions under such conditions. I have lots of commercial ideas to bring to the police table, as it were. If we can sell of Royal Mail for a song, I am pretty darn sure we can sell off a few police stations (and uniforms that no longer fit the less fit).

"Do [I] have the self confidence and personal resilience to overcome any cultural and personal resistance to change?" What do you think? Voting for the NHS reforms, spare room subsidy and reductions in police budgets required bottomless amounts of personal resilience. And if ambiguity was not already my middle name, change would be! And I am used to working shifts/weekends/all hours.

I act with integrity at all times. (Even when I don't have to.) And I am very "comfortable setting high standards of behaviour and challenging the practices of others when these are not met?" Although doing that with coalition partners is sometimes a bit of a stretch. But we LibDems forgive them, for they know not what they do. Well... perhaps one or two of them do.

When you have watched our poll ratings over the last few years as much as I have, I can tell you that I am very used to dealing with distressing situations. I have had my agent crying on my shoulder, long standing members tearing up their membership cards in front of me, students showing me their bank statements. It has been tough and I have learnt to develop a very thick skin. You just have to. So I am well prepared for the odd road traffic collision or the violent death of a colleague at the hands of an offender released into the care of G4SerCapito probaton services. These are all things that I know I will be able to take in my stride, compassionately, sensitively and robustly.

And as for impartiality, but of course. That is the name of the game as a LibDem coalition member. If Labour win only enough seats at the next general election and need us to form a coalition with them: my party will be able to glide with impartial elan into a new government. If ambiguity and change were not already my middle names, then impartiality would be too.

I hope I have made my case for becoming one of your new fast stream direct entry recruits to the police service. I can't wait!

Sincerely yours etc...

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The Secret PCC Diary until now:

Legal disclaimer: just in case you thought this series of secret PCC blogs is based upon a real person or persons: it isn't. It really isn't. Any similarity to a living PCC is entirely coincidental.

Saturday, December 28, 2013

The 'not giving a floating duck' problem (Secret Diary of a PCC)

Well, I am totally stuffed: not just by the turkey, fox & game pie but also by the Home Secretary and her velveteen apparatchiks in Marsham Street. They want to cut my grant by nearly £6m in the next financial year! What?!? A precept rise of 2% won't cover it. And if I dare have a referendum to seek support for a (say) a 4% rise and then lose, I would have to pay the cost of said referendum (£1.2m) out of money I do not have. So here I am: stuck between a huge Christmas cake and a mountain of cold, solid Christmas pudding.

And despite crime coming down, demand is rising like my beagle's blood pressure on Boxing day. Just when I thought the Chief Constable had managed to match resources to requirements over the festive season, along comes the bloomin' rain and the overtime budgets float down the river. So much for the Big Society... when the crisis hits the fan, people expect the public services to turn out.

(And I see the PM got an earful down in Kent yesterday. Of course Kent County Council have been proud not to increase their council tax over the last four years! Chickens coming home to roost eh?! And it's not as if Eric Pickles' doesn't know about flooding, but piffle, that was last Christmas and we have learnt so much since then...! Pickles will, of course, carry on offering up Local Authority grants for the biggest cuts of all, no matter what.)

So what to do? I am thinking outsourcing is the only way ahead. As with PFI, I will just have to mortgage the future in order to make the present finances balance. Yes I know there are risks but I really have no option. We need cheaper policing...

Of course once we do outsource, the biggest risk we run is loss of that public service commitment we see so often: where police officers and staff will put their boots on, on Christmas Day to help people in need. I worry that if staff and officers are working for profit making companies, (putting it bluntly) they might not give so much as a floating duck about emergencies beyond what they are contracted to perform. But I believe I have covered this risk by drafting this clause to go into the contracts we will be agreeing with future private sector providers:

As a contracted supplier to NorthFordWestshire (NFWshire) you will be required to:

Not worry about profits during times of public emergencies
Go all extra and unforeseeable miles during said emergencies
Ensure employment regulations expressly require all staff to remain chipper and jauntily committed to serving the public during such emergencies
Have a robust volunteer / Big Society strategy that will result in an immediate doubling of resources in times of crisis at no extra cost to the public purse
Apply these clauses whenever the commissioner thinks it is an emergency

I cannot see a problem with the likes of G4Sercapita agreeing to such contractual terms. Can you?

Happy New Year!

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The Secret PCC Diary until now:

Legal disclaimer: just in case you thought this series of secret PCC blogs is based upon a real person or persons: it isn't. It really isn't. Any similarity to a living PCC is entirely coincidental.

Sunday, November 24, 2013

The magic of Brasso (Secret diary of a PCC)

Well, here we are, just over a year in post and I am still here! I think that is some achievement.

Some of my close friends said I wouldn’t make it. In various ways they suggested that my straight talking and no nonsense approach to governance would get me into hot water. Well – hah! to them!

OK, I have gone through a couple more chief constables than I expected and the irritating Police & Crime Panel are becoming even more damn irritating and increasing my intake of aspirin… But they haven’t got rid of me yet (in fact they can’t unless I break the law). I think my chain of office is beginning to work its magic. People are respecting me more, especially when I get the Brasso out before a big meeting or press briefing.

And yes, there were some others who thought that my congenital ‘foot in mouth’ syndrome (inherited from my dear departed Brigadier Father) would get me into trouble with the local and national media. Well I have shown them too! I have been more than able to say stupid things and… get away with it! I do think the chain of office is helping there as well.

So what is the real secret (beyond the Brasso)? Well, I think I have been fortunate to stay mostly invisible. Even if I say daft things, I can be fairly sure that nobody really cares. Looking around the country, I can see I am in good company with some other PCCs still doing pretty silly things themselves and getting away with it. The fact is, most people still don’t know that we really exist, and even if they do know, they have no idea what we actually do…

If you try not to make too much of it and keep your head below the parapet (unlike those idiot PCCs who are organising blethering summits, earnest ‘listening’ public engagement events and other new public management paraphenalia), it is rather a peachy job. There are lots of jollies up in London, the Home Secretary has a rather good stock of fancy biscuits and then there’s the occasional chance to stroke a police horse’s head.

And on top of this, of course, I have the government protecting my back: PCCs can do no ill. We are officially immune. The Home Sec is never going to admit that a fair few of the elected PCCs would probably be no better at running a bank than the erstwhile chairman of the Coop. We are, quite simply, the apples of her eye. Indeed, I fully expect a future Tory government to give me even more responsibility. I cannot wait: there will be even more meetings in London to go to where I can consume good biscuits and take in a show at the end of the day (on expenses of course).

So time for a glass of wine to toast my first year of office… May there be many more!

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The Secret PCC Diary until now:

Legal disclaimer: just in case you thought this series of secret PCC blogs is based upon a real person or persons: it isn't. It really isn't. Any similarity to a living PCC is entirely coincidental.

Saturday, October 19, 2013

Social media policy (Secret Diary of a PCC)

I am becoming rather concerned that some of the social media accounts of several senior and other officers in the constabulary are becoming just a little too friendly. I know all this fashionable social media baloney is supposed to be all about 'engagement', 'reaching out' to the public and making the police seem human. But I think it could all be going just too damn far. So I have come up with these dozen rules that I expect the Chief Constable to enforce (although the Chief is one of the worst offenders!)

No mention to be made concerning musical tastes, pop concerts, contents of pies, drinks drunk, current (or past) relationships and pets (except Labradors).
Strictly no pictures of any of the above either
Also absolutely no pictures of baby hedgehogs / badgers (especially cute badgers) / foxes (and fox cubs) / kittens / puppies / any animal that could be deemed ‘fluffy’
No mentions of any charities as this could be seen to be political, including seeking sponsorship for fun runs / triathlons / moustaches / wearing purple etc
Only pictures of landscapes that are based in this county
Plenty of mentions of success but no mentions of failure unless they can be blamed on another part of the criminal justice system
Absolutely no political, ethical, satirical, Marxist or religious comment (which includes anything ‘funny’)
No comments about budgets, strategy, problem solving, evidence based practice, professional conduct or anything else likely to bring the police service into disrepute
Trendy hashtags are to be used with extreme caution and absolutely not if they include woollen garments, socio demographic descriptions, cinematic references, One Direction or anything to do with body parts
No language that could offend the PCC or other upstanding people in the world
No puns, double entendres or words that could be blamed on a spell checker
Retweeting or sharing certain items are OK so long as none of the above rules are broken

I just wish I knew what rules 9 & 12 were all about though....

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The Secret PCC Diary until now:

Legal disclaimer: just in case you thought this series of secret PCC blogs is based upon a real person or persons: it isn't. It really isn't. Any similarity to a living PCC is entirely coincidental.

Friday, August 30, 2013

Witchcraft: the Secret PCC & managing awkward Chiefs

I am wrapped up with Lawyers today, so this is only going to be short post.

But let it be known far and wide that these pesky Chief Constables are more difficult to corral than sheep with scrapie! I mean, I thought I had it all sorted with my clearly laid out principles for appointing a new one (after the other one tripped off to sunnier climes just as I arrived, and the acting CC had about as much spine as a biscuit dunked too long in tea). But it would appear that the person I appointed had a few more wily brain cells than I credited to her. You cannot trust these Chief Constables, they have all been around mendacious low life (aka the Police Federation) and offenders for far too long. Their ability to dissemble, connive and smile sweetly would make Nixon blush!

I cannot go into the details as they are 'sub judice' as it were but it would seem my verbal warning to the Chief Constable for being a bit 'too candid' on her facebook site has been met with disbelief, disapproval and a grievance against me!?! How very dare she!

OK, so I admit that I did fake being an old school buddy in order to become one of her FB friends, but she really ought not to be writing stuff like that, even in private! (Although I cannot tell you what she wrote exactly, but it was not very kind... to her elders & betters & political masters).

So I have been scrabbling around for some statute where I can be rid of the woman. I cannot quite decide whether to invoke the witchcraft acts of 1542, 1562 or 1604 but all I know is that she has some pretty odd masks and badges in her office. She claims they were gifts from visiting police officers from around the world but I know when I have been voodooed!

Anyway, I must be off to talk to my lawyers. I hope they have been studying occult legislation like I asked them too...

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The Secret PCC Diary until now:

Legal disclaimer: just in case you thought this series of secret PCC blogs is based upon a real person or persons: it isn't. It really isn't. Any similarity to a living PCC is entirely coincidental.

Monday, July 22, 2013

Too big for their pixie boots: the Secret PCC makes a speech to his Police & Crime Panel

Seems to me that the darn Police and Crime Panel are getting just a little bit too big for their statutorily small pixie boots. They have had the temerity to ask me questions about matters that frankly they should have no concern for. Have they not read the Police Reform and Social Responsibility Act?! They should know their place: to be the titular body that sugars the pill of my extensive and really rather stimulating set of powers. So here is the speech I have been drafting to give to them at their next dormitory ‘meeting’.

By the grace of Her Majesty, the Queen, and local electorate who bothered to get off their savoury snack infested sofas, I have been granted the golden opportunity to make a real and lasting difference to the health, safety and well-being of NorthWestFordshire (NFWshire). Under my visionary leadership, policing will improve, more criminals will be caught and there will be fewer victims. Under my excellent governance, local community safety projects will blossom and prevent crime & anti-social behaviour like a hot knife through butter. Under my wise coordination, the local criminal justice system will whirr like Swiss clockwork. The people of NFWshire will never have had it so good.

All this requires a considerable amount of refined thought, meditation and careful data analysis. Indeed beyond recruiting my own driver to free up my time for such contemplation, I have now had to hire a yoga adviser, a tame (and fairly short haired) criminologist and cognitive psychologist (whatever that really means) to fulfill my role. You will appreciate, I have thought very carefully about my need for such assistance but I considered I was worth it.

Now what I do not need are ripples in the Force. And frankly many of you (with a few notable exceptions) have been acting like mini Luke Skywalkers: asking me stupid questions and trying to levitate the petty concerns in your locality to what I am doing at a strategic level. Or even just trying to catch me out. I would advise you to read the law and know that your powers are really rather limited. Your job is to assist me to get the job done whilst giving a nod to public accountability. Ask me questions of course, but do not push things too far.

I know all about public accountability: I have an election in less than three years’ time (if I stand again). And in truth, I am not that bothered about the little people of NFWshire until then. I have far bigger and more pressing matters to worry about, such as how to treat the discolouration of my chain of office. I jest of course, there are more important matters than that (although if anyone knows a good silversmith...?). Over the next few months, for example, I am going to have to choose who victims should be supported by in the future. That will be a difficult decision. I may even get the NHS111 service to do it. Or perhaps a high street bank call centre.

But back to the point: I hope I have persuaded you by now, that your job is not to challenge me. Your job is support me, help me, massage me, tickle my toes and just, you know, make me feel good. Have you got that?

But you know, I probably won’t say that to them because they would get all huffy. And the last thing I need is a bunch of irritable, irritating has-been local councillors tying me down in glutinous procedures and tedious meetings. Life is too short for that. So I will carry on schmoozing them and making them feel important.

It isn’t that hard to do…

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The Secret PCC Diary until now:

Tuesday, July 2, 2013

By the pricking of my thumbs, something radical this way comes! (Secret diary of a PCC)

Pish posh, this government is just not being radical enough! They are just being pusillanimous, pathetic and puny. If this country is really going to get a grip of the deficit, we need to find radical & dramatic ways to cuts costs and cut costs again. These damn civil servants seem to be incapable of thinking outside their tiny close box like minds. We have to think of big, bold and blooming bursting ideas to make a difference. I may not be in government, but I am in charge in my police service.

But if I were in charge of the government, I would start with outsourcing the judiciary. A more fat, complacent and whiney bunch of so called professionals would be hard to find. They swan about with an entourage of helpers and acolytes, take months to make decisions (probably in between several cases of sherry and Chateauneuf du Pape) and then stall attempts to introduce the 21st century into court proceedings for years! I say put them out to grass or make them G3SerCapito employees.

And then there is GCHQ. And they were meant to be such a tight organisation. Everything tied down by strap three. But then along comes some tech in a suit and blows the whole caper apart – and the NSA too. Well, we need to put GCHQ on a Payment by Results basis pretty damn quick. If they have been pilfering all this data, surely we can make some money out of it? They must know where all those Swiss and Cayman Island accounts are now? Indeed while we are about it, why not turn GCHQ into an internet service provider. It would, at least, cut out the middle man and everyone would know where they stood. If you upload or download something dodgy expect a knock on the door pretty soon. It might even be at 4.00am and not so much a knock as a crash.

And for heaven’s sake, the subsidised bars in Westminster should damn well close. I can’t get a subsidised drink there unless I toady up to one of my MPs. I don’t see why they should! And it would save the taxpayer loads of money and stop any more of them throwing punches at each other.

But turning to my bailiwick, there is clearly a need to get more of grip of policing costs. Here are some of the radical ideas I and my entourage are playing around with:

Charge the costs of burglary investigations to home contents insurance policies
Ditto accident investigation costs to car insurance policies
Turn PCSOs into freelance ‘community safety agents’ and contract them. This way they will have to pay for their own uniforms and equipment
Remove the rank of sergeant and make inspectors work for their money more (after all sergeants are often not much more than constables with stripes anyway)
Stop doing anything outside our statutory responsibilities unless someone pays us for it be they a football club, carnival committee or person with lost cat
Charge custody ‘visitors’ for their bed and board at motel prices

I am sure there are more ideas… so watch this space!

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The Secret PCC Diary until now:

Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Fields of ponies: the Secret PCC does Income Generation!

Never one to be out done, I have decided I need to have an “Income Generation Strategy”. I see that one PCC is embarking on trying to get sponsorship to make up for a budget shortfall. Here in NorthFordWestshire (or NFW as we usually abbreviate it), we can go one better! We are not just a one trick pony. With my strategy we will have whole fields of ponies munching their way through our budget shortfall!

So, having tracked down this rather nifty article on how to structure such an approach – here is my plan:

Staff - Knowledge & Creativity: we will start making our own CSI series and sell it around the world. In fact I could play one of the lead roles in between my other tasks. Always been into AmDram a bit and I seem to have the time in between Police & Crime Panel meetings.
Staff - Staff time: police officers at courts will be empowered & equipped to sell ice creams like cinema ushers/usherettes to make money while they are waiting to go into the court.
Staff - As potential customers: all payslips will include adverts for personal protective equipment and late night pizzas: and we will take a cut on any sales made
Staff - Non work expertise: all staff will be required to register their skills on a large database so that we can ask them to use these skills whenever we have a need (such as mountain climbing or cupcake preparation or translating Icelandic etc)
Information - Patterns of performance & results: we will sell the most effective burglary methods to the highest bidder
Information - About individual clients / users etc.: we will sell crime data to estate agents rather than making it freely available on the net. And the Disclosure and Barring Service (DBS) will have to pay us for information in the future.
Physical Assets – Buildings: expect to see hoardings going up on the sides of all of our police stations and police cars.
Physical Assets - General Equipment: we will be selling the boxes and boxes of smart phones (the ones that we never got round to using) off to local electrical shops and car boot sales.
Physical Assets - Specialist Equipment: All those Scenes of Crime onesies are only used once. I have a cunning plan to re-market them as fashion accessories: add a couple of strategically placed buttons, remove any stains, persuade my old private school chum who now works for Vogue and hey presto – we will have an income generation line of business that will rival Jean Paul Gautier!
Stakeholders - As potential customers: all those people we lock up on a Saturday night are clearly in need of better ways to spend their money than on cheap vodka and shoes. From now on, as they leave the cells and pick up their wallets & purses in the morning, they will be offered a free £10 gift voucher (sponsored by a local supermarket) to buy breakfast and fruit juice. We will take a cut of whatever else they spend there…
Stakeholders - As potential sponsors or supporters: we will be charging local legal aid solicitors for the privilege of a chair to sit down on. They will be able to stand for free, but if they want to sit down next to their clients, they will have to pay for it. Clearly the new legal aid changes are predicated on all these lawyers being fat cat leeches on the state. We will just tap them for a little more dosh.
Stakeholders - as potential partners: no longer will we stock information leaflets from (say) local health services or housing helplines without expecting something in return in cash or kind (we don’t mind which).
Profile - ‘Brand’ reputation: we will set up a department to secure fees to ‘approve’ the safety of local clubs and other late night venues. We won’t be offering ‘protection’ as such (they get that for ‘free’ on the local taxes) but we will be able to offer gold and platinum approval ratings for those clubs who want our response just that little bit quicker.
Profile - Access to media and public: we have lots of lists of people who need our services who may well be interested in other services... we are looking into this once we can get over confidentiality and all that gubbins. We are talking to local Clinical Commissioning Groups who seem to have found ways around such concerns.
Systems and services – software: we have invested heavily in our new CRM (criminal relationship management) system. We think that it will work just as well as a means of keeping track of customers who don’t want to be tracked. This is potentially a very lucrative income stream.
Systems and services - expertise in how things are done: we are getting rather good at DNA testing and we will be marketing this to people who want to establish parentage etc.
Systems and services - ‘Piggy backing’ existing services: we are starting a new tie in with local car dealers to be put in touch with people who have had prangs on the public highway…
Waste ...is someone else’s supply...? Of course in NorthFordWestshire, we don’t have any waste. We are a lean, mean, crime fighting machine!

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The Secret PCC Diary until now:

Thursday, April 18, 2013

PCCs must show people its worth voting (interview with the secret PCC)

Hah... spotted today that Tony Lloyd had been interviewed by Policing Today. I presume this is the start of a series, so I thought I would get mine written next and submit it for publication. Even though I cannot really quite understand why they did not knock on my door first...

PT: Are Police and Crime Commissioners a good idea?

SPCC: Well of course they are. I was elected wasn’t I? The local police service is now benefitting from my expertise, my insights, my straight talking common sense rather than all this Bramshill nonsense and civil servant baloney. I bring democratic accountability. I have already spoken to at least 60 people across my area and listened to them a little bit. I promised I would really listen to them in a couple of years from now when I am up for re-election.

PT: The appointment of deputies has come in for a certain amount of criticism...

SPCC: I cannot understand why: the legislation was very clear on all this (unlike other parts of the law which you can drive whole squads of police horses through). As a PCC I am empowered to appoint who I like to the position of deputy. Some PCCs have gone through a charade of pretending the appointments were open and made on merit. I did not bother with that, of course. It did mean I had to let go my first appointment as he went a bit ‘native’ as it were and began talking like a senior police officer. Couldn’t be having that! And the deputy I have now is absolutely brilliant although I have not seen her for a couple of weeks… In fact, I wonder what she is up to… Now where is her mobile number….?

PT: How do you explain the gaps in the legislation?

SPCC: In a word ‘panic’! The government were on the ropes, not quite sure how to grab the headlines on policing & crime and so they rushed it through. Bit silly really but completely understandable, this Government does have a bit of previous on such matters of course. I am not unhappy as it gives me far more leg room to do the things that I think need doing.

PT: How would you describe your relationship with the Chief Constable

SPCC: Well I am about to appoint a new one. The last permanent chap left in a huff after the election and retired to Magaluf’s balmy climate. I survived for a while with a temporary one. But in the end his obsequiousness and policy flatulence became just too much to bear. So I am in the process as it were, as I wrote about before. So once I have appointed the new one (and the person spec has been met), I am sure our relationship will be totally spiffing!

PT: So there's been no friction at all?

SPCC: As I say, the original Chief left. Had he stayed, I reckon there would have been a few crackles of thunder and lightning over some of my plans… But you see it would never have come to much: I am too reasonable a person, the protocol sets out who does what very clearly and if it didn’t work, I would have sacked him. No friction at all really.

PT: Did he consult you on his recent articles published in the Guardian?

SPCC: What articles? I don’t read the Guardian. I prefer to stick with Private Eye and the Telegraph.

PT: How was the handover from the Police Authority?

SPCC: Well. What can I say? I think they were majestic in their attempt to make it as difficult as possible for me. Yes they flannelled on about not knowing who would win (although it was obvious from the start it would be me) but frankly, a bunch of five year olds could have done better. It wasn’t helped by the tonnes and tomes of guidance being issued by the Home Office: as if anyone would wade through all those! But I muddled through of course. Occasionally I have to bump into some of them at the Police & Crime Panel meetings. You can tell they are all still twisted by bitterness about being made redundant. Such is life. They should have moved on by now, as my old psychotherapist used to say.

PT: Has the policing plan been easy to deliver?

SPCC: Hang on, we have not delivered it yet. But was it easy to write? Yes, I got my deputy to do it. I gave her a few ideas to weave in here and there, and she had my manifesto to refer to…. Piece of cake really. I have got a copy here somewhere… now where is it. I had mine bound too… Ah well, it’ll turn up. Hope the dog hasn’t chewed it!

PT: The public reaction to the elections wasn't exactly enthusiastic. What's community engagement been like since November?

SPCC: As I said, I have met lots of people (at least 60). Everyone seems to admire my chain of office. They seem impressed to be meeting me although they do think I can do something about the quality of policing. Which I can’t, of course. That is the Chief Constable’s job (so I blame him). I just map out the broad strategic themes, the essence if you like. The public still don’t quite get what us PCCs are all about. But give it time. Before too long, they will forget all about us and stop bothering to try and understand.

PT: How important is it that police and crime commissioners have representation at a national level?

SPCC: Very important. We need to make sure we shape the future legislation around policing, crime and the criminal justice system. We are the voice of the people.

PT: Do you think more people will vote next time?

SPCC: Of course! Mainly because the election will be held in May.

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The Diary until now:

PS: For the sake of clarity - this is not a parody on the answers by Tony Lloyd in the original article.

jonsharvey.net Change facilitator and organisational development practitioner with 25 years experience across the public services and commercial world. Also a Town Councillor in Buckingham - working with and for local people to make the town even healthier, safer and wealthier for everyone who lives, visits, studies and plays in the place My passions & expertise centre on: - Designing and facilitating ‘big’ meetings / whole system processes to shape the future & handle the present - Coaching & helping people to create robust strategies and lead change & innovation - Creating away-days where lunch is not the highlight - And questioning - where I have a reputation for challenging people and organisations in ways that makes them ‘wriggle but not squirm’ +44 (0) 1280 822585 Also tweets as @JonSHarvey on wider leadership & organisation development matters